'Twas on the shores that round our coast 
From Deal to Newport lie 
That I roused from sleep in a huddled heap 
An elderly wealthy guy.

His hair was graying, his hair was long, 
And graying and long was he; 
And I heard this grouch on the shore avouch, 
In a singular jazzless key:

"Oh, I am a cook and a waitress trim 
And a maid of the second floor, 
And a strong chauffeur and a housekeeper, 
And the man who tends the door!"

And he shook his fists and he tore his hair, 
And he started to frisk and play, 
Till I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, 
So I said (in the Gilbert way):

"Oh, elderly man, I don't know much 
Of the ways of societee, 
But I'll eat my friend if I comprehend 
However you can be

"At once a cook and a waitress trim 
And the maid of the second floor, 
And a strong chauffeur and a housekeeper, 
And the man who tends the door."

Then he smooths his hair with a nervous air, 
And a gulp in his throat he swallows, 
And that elderly guy he then lets fly 
Substantially as follows:

"We had a house down Newport way, 
And we led a simple life; 
There was only I," said the elderly guy, 
And my daughter and my wife.

"And of course the cook and a waitress trim 
And the maid of the second floor, 
And a strong chauffeur and a housekeeper, 
And the man who tends the door."

"One day the cook she up and left, 
She up and left us flat. 
She was getting a hundred and ten a mon- 
Th, but she couldn't work for that.

"And the waitress trim was her bosom friend, 
And she wouldn't stay no more; 
And our strong chauffeur eloped with her 
Who was the maid of the second floor.

"And we couldn't get no other help, 
So I had to cook and wait. 
It was quite absurd," wept the elderly bird. 
"I deserve a better fate.

"And I drove the car and I made the beds 
Till the housekeeper up and quit; 
And the man at the door found that a bore, 
Which is why I am, to wit:

"At once a cook and a waitress trim 
And the maid of the second floor, 
And a strong chauffeur and a housekeeper, 
And the man who tends the door."