DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE LEARNED JUDGE
THE PLAINTIFF
THE DEFENDANT
COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF
USHER
FOREMAN OF THE JURY
ASSOCIATE
FIRST BRIDESMAID


SCENE - A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymen
 discovered.

 CHORUS

 Hark, the hour of ten is sounding:
 Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,
 Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding,
 Breathing hope and fear--
 For to-day in this arena,
 Summoned by a stern subpoena,
 Edwin, sued by Angelina, 
 Shortly will appear.

Enter Usher

 SOLO - USHER

 Now, Jurymen, hear my advice--
 All kinds of vulgar prejudice
 I pray you set aside:
 With stern, judicial frame of mind
 From bias free of every kind,
 This trial must be tried.

 CHORUS

 From bias free of every kind,
 This trial must be tried.

[During Chorus, Usher sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"]

USHER Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:
 Observe the features of her face--
 The broken-hearted bride.
 Condole with her distress of mind:
 From bias free of every kind,
 This trial must be tried!

CHORUS From bias free, etc.

USHER And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks,
 The ruffianly defendant speaks--
 Upon the other side;
 What he may say you needn't mind---
 From bias free of every kind,
 This trial must be tried!

CHORUS From bias free, etc.

Enter Defendant

 RECIT -- DEFENDANT

 Is this the court of the Exchequer?
ALL. It is!
DEFENDANT (aside) Be firm, be firm, my pecker,
 Your evil star's in the ascendant!
ALL. Who are you?
DEFENDANT. I'm the Defendant.

 CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists)

 Monster, dread our damages.
 We're the jury!
 Dread our fury!

DEFENDANT Hear me, hear me, if you please,
 These are very strange proceedings--
 For permit me to remark
 On the merits of my pleadings,
 You're at present in the dark.

[Defendant beckons to Jurymen--they leave the box and gather around
 him as they sing the following:

 That's a very true remark--
 On the merits of his pleadings
 We're at present in the dark!
 Ha! ha!--ha! ha!

 SONG -- DEFENDANT

 When first my old, old love I knew,
 My bosom welled with joy;
 My riches at her feet I threw--
 I was a love-sick boy!
 No terms seemed too extravagant
 Upon her to employ--
 I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
 Just like a love-sick boy!
 Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!

 But joy incessant palls the sense;
 And love, unchanged, will cloy,
 And she became a bore intense
 Unto her love-sick boy!
 With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,
 And I grew cold and coy,
 At last, one morning, I became
 Another's love-sick boy.
 Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!

 CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily)

 Oh, I was like that when a lad!
 A shocking young scamp of a rover,
 I behaved like a regular cad;
 But that sort of thing is all over.
 I'm now a respectable chap
 And shine with a virtue resplendent
 And, therefore, I haven't a scrap
 Of sympathy with the defendant!
 He shall treat us with awe,
 If there isn't a flaw,
 Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!
 Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law!
 Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!

 [They enter the Jury-box.]

 RECIT--USHER (on Bench)

 Silence in Court, and all attention lend.
 Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!

Enter Judge on Bench

 CHORUS

 All hail, great Judge!
 To your bright rays
 We never grudge
 Ecstatic praise.
 All hail!

 May each decree
 As statute rank
 And never be
 Reversed in banc.
 All hail!


 RECIT--JUDGE

 For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray.
 A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day.
 But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge,
 I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge.

ALL. He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!
JUDGE. I'll tell you how...
ALL. He'll tell us how...
JUDGE. I'll tell you how...
ALL. He'll tell us how...
JUDGE Let me speak...!
ALL. Let him speak!
JUDGE. Let me speak!
ALL. (in a whisper). Let him speak!
 He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge!
USHER. Silence in Court! Silence in Court!

 SONG--JUDGE

 When I, good friends, was called to the bar,
 I'd an appetite fresh and hearty.
 But I was, as many young barristers are,
 An impecunious party.

 I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue--
 And a brief which I bought of a booby--
 A couple of shirts, and a collar or two,
 And a ring that looked like a ruby!

CHORUS. A couple of shirts, etc.

JUDGE. At Westminster Hall I danced a dance,
 Like a semi-despondent fury;
 For I thought I never should hit on a chance
 Of addressing a British Jury--
 But I soon