They spoke of Progress spiring round, 
 Of light and Mrs Humphrey Ward-- 
 It is not true to say I frowned, 
 Or ran about the room and roared; 
 I might have simply sat and snored-- 
 I rose politely in the club 
 And said, `I feel a little bored; 
 Will someone take me to a pub?' 

 The new world's wisest did surround 
 Me; and it pains me to record 
 I did not think their views profound, 
 Or their conclusions well assured; 
 The simple life I can't afford, 
 Besides, I do not like the grub-- 
 I want a mash and sausage, `scored'-- 
 Will someone take me to a pub? 

 I know where Men can still be found, 
 Anger and clamorous accord, 
 And virtues growing from the ground, 
 And fellowship of beer and board, 
 And song, that is a sturdy cord, 
 And hope, that is a hardy shrub, 
 And goodness, that is God's last word-- 
 Will someone take me to a pub? 

 Envoi 
 Prince, Bayard would have smashed his sword 
 To see the sort of knights you dub-- 
 Is that the last of them--O Lord 
 Will someone take me to a pub?