Feast on wine or fast on water 
 And your honour shall stand sure, 
 God Almighty's son and daughter 
 He the valiant, she the pure; 
 If an angel out of heaven 
 Brings you other things to drink, 
 Thank him for his kind attentions, 
 Go and pour them down the sink. 

 Tea is like the East he grows in, 
 A great yellow Mandarin 
 With urbanity of manner 
 And unconsciousness of sin; 
 All the women, like a harem, 
 At his pig-tail troop along; 
 And, like all the East he grows in, 
 He is Poison when he's strong. 

 Tea, although an Oriental, 
 Is a gentleman at least; 
 Cocoa is a cad and coward, 
 Cocoa is a vulgar beast, 
 Cocoa is a dull, disloyal, 
 Lying, crawling cad and clown, 
 And may very well be grateful 
 To the fool that takes him down. 

 As for all the windy waters, 
 They were rained like tempests down 
 When good drink had been dishonoured 
 By the tipplers of the town; 
 When red wine had brought red ruin 
 And the death-dance of our times, 
 Heaven sent us Soda Water 
 As a torment for our crimes.