Marriott Edgar

Here you will find the Long Poem Albert's Return of poet Marriott Edgar

Albert's Return

You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom 
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year 
With a stick with an `orse's `ead `andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear? 

The name of the lion was Wallace, 
The poke in the ear made `im wild 
And before you could say "Bob's yer uncle" 
E'd upped and `e'd swallowed the child. 

`E were sorry the moment `e done it; 
With children `e'd always been chums, 
And besides, `e'd no teeth in his muzzle, 
And `e couldn't chew Albert on't gums. 

`E could feel the lad movin' inside `im 
As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns; 
And it might `ave been little lad's birthday-
E wished `im such `appy returns. 

But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'- 
And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.
Decided 'twere time that `e started 
To stage a comeback for the lad. 

Then puttin' `ead down in one corner, 
On `is front paws `e started to walk; 
And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled 
`Till Albert shot out - like a cork! 

Now Wallace felt better directly 
And `is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert Was,
`is face and `is `ands were quite clean. 

Meanwhile Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom 
`Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.
Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like.
" Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too." 

Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer 
That the future is never revealed;
If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose `im,
I'd `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled." 

"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"Wot can't be `elped must be endured; 
Each cloud `as a silvery lining, 
And we did `ave young Albert insured." 

A knock on the door came that moment 
As Father these kind words did speak. 
`Twas the man from Prudential - `e'd come for 
Their tuppence per person per week. 

When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin', 
`E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so -
The man said "`Ere, wot's there to laugh at?" 
Pa said "You'll laugh and all when you know!" 

"Excuse `im for laughing," said Mother, 
"But really, things `appen so strange - 
Our Albert's been et by a lion; 
You've got to pay us for a change!"

Said the young man from the Prudential:
"Now, come, come, let's understand this- 
You don't mean to say that you've lost `im?" 
Pa said "Oh, no, we know where `e is!" 

When the young man `ad `eard all the details, 
A purse from `is pocket he drew 
And `e paid them with interest and bonus 
The sum of nine pounds, four and two. 

Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money 
When a face at the window they see-
And Mother cried "Eee, look, it's Albert!"
And Father said "Aye, it would be."

Albert came in all excited, 
And started `is story to give; 
And Pa said "I'll never trust lions
Again, not as long as I live." 

The young man from the Prudential 
To pick up the money began 
But Father said "`ere, wait a moment, 
Don't be in a `urry, young man." 

Then giving young Albert a shilling, 
`E said "`Ere, pop off back to the zoo; 
Get your stick with the `orse's `ead `andle-
Go and see wot the tigers can do!"